Eighteen

Katie rules the halls with her best friend by her side. College. Katie can almost smell it; it’s not the bad this-building-has-mold college smell, it’s the smell of hormones and learning. Katie breathes it in. She doesn’t recognize the campus, but she isn’t worried because Esther is at her side, emitting a quiet strength everyone assumes is shyness. Katie knows better and she loves that she knows better, like Esther is her secret and she’s waiting to scandalize the world with the realization. Esther is her ace in the hole, and while she isn’t sure what game they are playing, she’s sure Esther will be her winning move. 
The girls make their way up a zig-zagged flight of stairs, stopping halfway up the last flight when a professor calls to them from the lower flight. They stop and he says something about how good it is to see them and he’s looking forward to the semester. Katie and Esther agree and Katie cracks a joke which makes the professor laugh. Making the professor laugh is as rewarding to Katie as correctly answering a question, so she smiles and inwardly congratulates herself at a job well done. 
Nothing can touch Katie as she and Esther sprint up the last few steps, giggling about something; nothing can topple Katie, she feels alive. They round the corner and He’s there, waiting. Katie falters, tripping a little on her own feet. He’s silent but his eyes flash. Katie tells Esther to run on without her. The girl hesitates, but something in Katie’s tone makes her obey. Very grudgingly.

Katie has always felt it was her responsibility to protect Esther from the world. The world is so full of ugliness, and Esther is like the purest snow, so very innocent. Though she would blush and emphatically disagree, Katie doesn’t care; Esther is too humble to see the truth. Katie did her best over the years of their friendship to keep the ugliness away from Esther, but she was selfish. When Katie was with Esther, she felt a little more pure; being around Esther made her a better person, and she loved Esther for that. She always felt guilty around Esther because she knew she wasn't worthy, that she was too impure, but she stayed because she couldn't bear to leave. He took that away too when he infected her already wicked heart with anger and hatred. Katie feels the blackness eating at her heart like gangrene. She knows her friend, her friend who would never turn away someone in need, her friend who would insist on helping though there was nothing she could do. But Katie knows how infectious the blackness is, and she won’t risk her friend. It’s her responsibility to protect Esther. For once she has to stop being selfish. It was stupid to think she could keep the world from touching her heart, but maybe she can save Esther from it a little longer. So, Katie lets Esther go, her rock in the storm, her guiding light, her secret weapon… gone.

He starts yelling and berating her and Katie doesn’t even hear the words as she collapses into a heap. The walls begin to melt and she curls into a ball, but he’s still standing over her, yelling. In her head she is screaming for it to stop, but it doesn’t. She mentally begs for the professor to come along, to shut Him up, but he never comes. The university is gone and Katie is left in a swirling whiteness with Him yelling. She feels rather than hears the barrage of words. Each word is a fresh stab of excruciating pain. The hateful vitriol consumes her as a final whimper escapes her lips.

In the split second between dreaming and being awake, Katie panics. She doesn’t know where she is, how she got there, or even how to breathe. Then she wakes up the rest of the way and sucks in a lungful of air. Well, more rasps in a shallow breath, followed by another and another until her heart finally starts to slow down. Katie fights back the tears. An eternity passes before Katie feels safe enough to close her eyes, terrified He’ll be waiting for her.

The next morning she has a spitting headache and can’t bring herself to eat breakfast. She lies on the cough and reads more Jack/Daniel fic, trying to lose herself in the familiar, nonexistent, love stories. The morning on the couch turns into a day. Eating makes her nauseous and the headache only lessens if she doesn’t move, or stay in one position for too long, so it effectively never lessens. Katie is shaken to her core and she rehashes the dream over and over, but is too frightened to try to recall exact words. It’s all straightforward enough. Katie’s place in the world was pretty set before He brought it crashing down, and in the aftermath He robbed her of every last security she had. And she’s his Facebook friend. Katie feels like puking but hold down her turkey sandwich lunch. Katie is supposed to visit with Esther the following Monday, but snow is threatening to delay the trip. However, if Katie waits too long, Esther will return to college to start the spring semester while Katie tries to figure out life without everything she’s ever known.